Oct 31

The Top Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Halloween [Humor]

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Black and orange are the colors of Halloween.  And, in a few weeks, they may also be the colors of the two most recent presidents.

 

 

Because of all the handouts, it’s Bernie Sanders’ favorite holiday.

 

 

Harry Houdini died on Halloween.  OR DID HE?!?  Kidding.  He did.  There was a death certificate.  Sorry for the cheap scare.  I have issues.

 

 

If an adult comes to your door dressed as a hobo, odds are it’s Gary Busey.

 

 

The word “witch” comes from an Old English word that roughly translates to “Devil in a pantsuit with an insatiable lust to rule the free world.”

 

 

Ireland is thought to be the birthplace of Halloween.  As well as other amazing things, like getting plastered and boring everyone to tears with painfully long-winded stories.

 

 

Every dentist who gives out floss instead of candy will eventually be going to hell.

 

 

If you like smashing pumpkins on Halloween, you’re either a vandal . . . or stuck in the ’90s.

 

 

Ireland is believed to be the birthplace of Halloween.  Although Donald Trump insists that Halloween was really born in Kenya.

 

 

Every year Chris Christie buys 20 bags of Halloween candy bars . . . and then turns off his front porch light and pretends he’s not home.

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Oct 25

The Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog Appeals To The Wealthy

Photo: lifeinthelostworld.com

Photo: lifeinthelostworld.com

 

Every year around this time, Neiman Marcus releases a Christmas catalog with a few ridiculous gifts that even RICH idiots would find extravagant.  And once again, they didn’t disappoint.

Here are the five absurd things they’re selling this Christmas . . .

 

 

1.  A private plane made out of ROSE GOLD for $1.5 million.

 

 

2.  A week of living at three English countryside estates and castles, including polo lessons, helicopter rides, and clay pigeon shooting for $700,000.

 

 

3.  A walk-on role in the Broadway musical “Waitress” for $30,000.

 

 

4.  A slumber party at the Neiman Marcus flagship location in Dallas for 12 people, including food, pajamas, and spa treatments for $120,000.

 

 

5.  And one day of private football lessons from JOE MONTANA for $65,000.

 

 

(CNBC

 

 

(Google “Neiman Marcus fantasy gifts” to see the other things they’re offering.)

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Oct 24

A Cop Did CPR and Saved a Three-Year-Old

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A couple named John Geis and Bethany Hoover called 911 this month, because their three-year-old son Brayden had a seizure, and stopped breathing at a KFC in Granbury, Texas.  (About 60 miles southwest of Dallas.)

 

A cop named Chase Miller happened to hear the call come through on his radio, and realized he was just around the corner.  So he drove straight there and showed up in less than a minute.  (We don’t know his age, but he looks like he’s in his early 30’s.)

Then he immediately put Brayden on the ground and started CPR.  And his dashcam got it all on video.  You can see that Bethany’s so upset at that point, she can’t even watch . . . she turns around and walks away.

Then Chase had to grab an oxygen mask from his car, so John took over for a few seconds.  But they got the mask on him . . . continued doing CPR . . . and by the time paramedics got there, Brayden was breathing again.

They got him to a hospital, and it looks like he’ll be fine.  There’s no word on what caused the seizure or if he’d had them before.

Meanwhile, Chase got an award for it all last Tuesday.  Bethany, John, and Brayden went to the ceremony, and there’s a photo of them all posing together.

 

 

(Dallas News / Washington Post)

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Oct 21

When You Stink Up a Bathroom, How Do You Mask the Smell?

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It’s a good idea to hide the smell when you stink up a bathroom.  Partially because it’s polite to other people . . . but mostly so you don’t get embarrassed when the next person walks in there and practically faints.

And according to a new survey, 84.4% of people DO try to cover up the smell.  So bravo to the brave 15.6% who don’t.  But here’s how everyone else does . . .

 

1.  Spraying air freshener, 41.1%.

 

2.  Using a fan, 33.1%.

 

3.  Lighting a match, 6.3%.

 

4.  Potpourri, 1.3%.

 

5.  Flushing an extra time, 1.1%.

 

6.  Lighting a candle or incense, 0.6%.

 

7.  Opening a window, 0.5%.

 

8.  Spraying perfume, 0.4%.

 

 

(Healthline)

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Oct 20

54% of Women Think Bald Guys Are Sexy

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If you’re single and going bald, you don’t have to stand there feeling sorry for yourself while you watch your hair circle the drain.  A new survey found 54% of women think bald guys are SEXY.

Here are four more stats from the survey . . .

 

1.  97% of women would date a guy with “minor” hair loss.  So just 3% require a thick, full head of hair.  89% said they’d date a guy with “moderate” hair loss, like a receding hairline or a bald spot.  And 76% would date a guy who’s TOTALLY bald.

 

 

2.  When they had women do word association with the word “bald,” the top three words they came up with were “male,” “men,” and “SEXY.”

 

 

3.  30% of guys who are going bald THINK it’s negatively affected their love life.  68% said it hasn’t affected it, and just 2% said it’s had a positive effect.

 

 

4.  The survey also found the most important thing when you’re dating someone is their personality, followed by their looks . . . their education . . . their job . . . and how much money they make.

 

 

(Maxim / Online Doctor)

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Oct 19

Four Tailgating Accidents That Are Covered by Insurance

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This might come in handy when you get drunk and irresponsible while you’re tailgating at a football game this weekend.  Here are four accidents that can happen while you’re tailgating that might be covered by your insurance . . .

 

1.  You accidentally burn your car with the grill.  Like if you set it up too close, or you put it back in the trunk while it’s still hot.  If you have comprehensive car insurance, you’re probably covered.

 

 

2.  An opposing fan vandalizes your car.  Most comprehensive car insurance policies cover vandalism.  So if someone breaks a window . . . rips off a side mirror . . . or keys the side of your car, you’re probably covered.

 

 

3.  You undercook the food, and give all your friends food poisoning.  Their medical bills might be covered by your homeowners or renters insurance.  Those types of policies usually include personal liability insurance, and not just when you’re at home.

 

 

4.  You damage someone else’s property.  Like if you’re throwing a football, and it knocks over their grill.  Again, if you have homeowners insurance, you might be covered.  Or if you break their NOSE with the football, that might be covered too.

 

 

(NerdWallet)

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Oct 18

The Ten Most Rat-Infested Cities in America

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The pest-control company Orkin just released its rankings for the 50 most rat-infested cities in America, according to how many extermination calls they got in the past year.  And Chicago took the top spot for the second time in a row.

Here’s the top ten . . .

 

1.  Chicago.  It was #1 the last time they did the rankings too . . . in 2014.

 

2.  New York.

 

3.  D.C.

 

4.  Los Angeles.

 

5.  A tie between San Francisco, Oakland, and San Jose, California.

 

6.  Baltimore.

 

7.  Philadelphia.

 

8.  Minneapolis-Saint Paul.

 

9.  Detroit.

 

10.  Denver.

 

 

(PR Newswire)

 

 

(Check out the rankings for all 50 cities here.)

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Oct 17

Ben Affleck and Kevin Hart Took the Top Two Spots at the Box Office

Photo: www.cinelinx.com

Photo: www.cinelinx.com

 

BEN AFFLECK’s new movie must be a lot more exciting than the title makes it sound . . . because “The Accountant” opened at the top of the box office this weekend, with $24.7 million.“Kevin Hart: What Now?” finished second with $12 million.  It’s an actual concert film . . . but it’s mixed with fictional scenes of Kevin and HALLE BERRY as SPIES.

 

Here’s the Top 10 . . .

 

 

1.  NEW:  “The Accountant”, $24.7 million.

 

2.  NEW:  “Kevin Hart: What Now?”, $11.98 million.

 

3.  “The Girl on the Train”, $11.97 million.  Up to $46.6 million in its 2nd week.

 

4.  “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children”, $8.9 million.  Up to $65.8 million in its 3rd week.

 

5.  “Deepwater Horizon”, $6.4 million.  Up to $49.3 million in its 3rd week.

 

6.  “Storks”, $5.6 million.  Up to $59.1 million in its 4th week.

 

7.  “The Magnificent Seven”, $5.2 million.  Up to $84.8 million in its 4th week.

 

8.  “Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life”, $4.3 million.  Up to $13.8 million in its 2nd week.

 

9.  “Sully”, $3 million.  Up to $118.4 million in its 6th week.

 

10.  “The Birth of a Nation”, $2.7 million.  Up to $12.2 million in its 2nd week.

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Oct 12

How Much Debt is the Average American In?

Photo: medicmadness.com

Photo: medicmadness.com

A new survey found 49% of Americans are in some sort of debt.  So 51% of are currently debt free.  Which actually seems high. For the people who ARE in debt, the median amount is just under $39,000.  And that includes everything from credit cards to mortgages.  Here are four more stats from the survey . . .

 

1.  39% of Americans owe money on a house . . . 38% have credit card debt . . . 31% have a car loan . . . 27% have student loans . . . and 21% have medical debt.

 

 

2.  The average amount of mortgage debt is $60,000, which is the highest.  Then it’s $9,100 in student loans . . . $8,000 in car loans . . . $2,000 on credit cards . . . and $600 in doctor bills.

 

 

3.  Women in the survey were just as likely as men to have student loans they’re still paying off.  But they had almost twice as MUCH student loan debt as men . . . $15,000 compared to $8,000.

 

 

4.  People earning between $100,000 and $150,000 a year are more likely than anyone else to have credit card debt . . . just under $7,000 on average.

 

 

(GoBankingRates.com)

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Oct 11

Back In The Day on October 11th

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94 years ago. . . In 1922, the FBI’S FIRST FEMALE “SPECIAL INVESTIGATOR” was appointed.  Her name was Alaska Davidson.

80 years ago. . . In 1936, the first CASH AND PRIZES were given away on the radio . . . on a CBS show called “Professor Quiz”.  Contestants asked Professor Quiz questions, and if they were able to stump the professor, they collected a $25 prize.

41 years ago. . . In 1975, “Saturday Night Live” debuted on NBC.  GEORGE CARLIN was the host.

41 years ago. . . In 1975, BILLY CLINTON and HILLARY RODHAM were married in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Billy was 29 and Hillary was a 27-year-old intellectual MINX.  Today is their 41st Anniversary.

38 years ago. . . In 1978, NANCY SPUNGEN, the girlfriend of SEX PISTOLS bassist SID VICIOUS, was found stabbed to death.  Sid Vicious was arrested for the crime, but he OD’d on The Horse before a trial could begin.  DON’T TAKE DRUGS.

(Sid’s drug habit was so out of control that Nancy had to work as a prostitute to support him.  I don’t know if he ever paid, but rumor has it that she used to nail Henry Winkler.)

32 years ago. . . In 1984, Space Shuttle Challenger astronaut DR. KATHY SULLIVAN became the first U.S. woman to walk in space.

26 years ago. . . In 1990, OCTAVIO PAZ became THE FIRST MEXICAN WRITER to win the NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE.  O’LAY!  (Don’t get mad at ME, Cholo.)

25 years ago. . . In 1991, REDD FOXX (finally) died of complications from a real heart attack at the age of 68.  He had been faking them for YEARS on “Sanford and Son”.

13 years ago. . . In 2003, former “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” co-stars ALYSON HANNIGAN and ALEXIS DENISOF married.  To ME she’ll always be the “band camp girl” from the “American Pie” movies.

 

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Oct 7

Dr. Phil Tops a List of the World’s Highest-Paid TV Hosts

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“Forbes” put out its annual list of ‘The World’s Highest-Paid TV Hosts’, and Dr. Phil McGraw is #1 with an estimated $88 million haul over the past 12 months.  If that sounds ridiculous to you . . . well, it is.

Here’s the Top 20:

1.  Dr. Phil McGraw, $88 million

 

2.  Ellen DeGeneres, $75 million

 

3.  Ryan Seacrest, $55 million

 

4.  Judge Judy Sheindlin, $47 million

 

5.  Matt Lauer, $25 million

 

6.  Heidi Klum, $19 million

 

7.  Bill O’Reilly, $18.5 million

 

8.  Robin Roberts, $18 million

 

9.  A tie between Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, both with $17 million.  She probably made more than him on “Live!”, but he had several side gigs.

 

11.  Alex Trebek, $16.5 million

 

12.  A five-way tie between Megyn Kelly, Stephen Colbert, Pat Sajak, George Stephanopoulos, and Jimmy Fallon . . . all with $15 million apiece.

 

17.  Steve Harvey, $14.5 million

 

18.  A tie between Drew Carey and Conan O’Brien, both with $12.5 million.

 

20.  Jimmy Kimmel, $12 million

 

According to “Forbes”, Maury Povich, Comedy Central’s Chris Hardwick, and Anderson Cooper just missed the $12 million cut-off to make the list.

(For more information, hit up Forbes.com.)

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Oct 6

Stores Are Fighting Black Friday By Staying Closed on Thanksgiving

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The WORST Black Friday trend is people killing each other to save $17 on vests from the Adam Levine collection.  The second worst trend is every store opening on THANKSGIVING, just to get a jump on the day.

Fortunately, it looks like that trend is reversing.  LOTS of stores have been announcing that they’ll be staying closed on Thanksgiving this year, and opening in the morning for Black Friday, like in the good old days.  You know, 2013. Some of the places that’ll be closed are Costco . . . Home Depot . . . Nordstrom . . . Gamestop . . . TJ Maxx . . . Crate and Barrel . . . Staples . . . and the entire Mall of America in Minnesota, which is the biggest mall in the country.

But it’s just for the 1,200 employees who work FOR the mall . . . the stores IN the mall can choose to be open.  But hopefully they get the point.

 

 

(Mashable)

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Oct 4

Alec Baldwin Brings The Funny With Trump Impression

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ALEC BALDWIN debuted his Donald Trump impression on “Saturday Night Live” over the  weekend, and was GREAT. He was in the first sketch of the night, which was a nine-minute parody of last week’s presidential debate.  As usual, Kate McKinnon played Hillary Clinton.  It actually did a pretty good job of skewering BOTH candidates. Check it out!

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